The 'F' word.

The 'f' key is a beautiful thing.

This sounds a bit ridiculous, but it has a particularly poignant relevance to my day. I recently purchased a bluetooth keyboard from a private seller on amazon.ca only to discover that the 'f' key did not work at all when I fired it up. For a severe hack of a writer, this is a problem.

The letter 'f' is a critical component of many of my favourite words. Some of them come in particularly handy when I am trying to articulate my frustration at getting a new keyboard that doesn't acually work. This is what I wrote to the private seller when I recieved my 'f'-less keyboard:

"Hello,

I just got batteries into this keyboard and one o_ the letter keys does not work. Its pretty obvious which one it is since i cant type it, but it would be most use_ul to articulate my _rustration. Obviously I would like my money back, so what steps should I take to make that happen? Also, there is a mark on the back o the keyboard, but I'm no really that concerned about it.

Steve Vincent

Sent _rom my iPad without the use o_ the letter _.

P.S. _ucking _fi this you_ucking _uck."

So obviously I'm a bit miffed. Who wouldn't be? I am a musician who fancies himself a terrible writer, so obviously I cannot afford to throw money away on a non-functioning keyboard. A it happens, my band Tupelo Honey is playing the Rainmaker Rodeo in our lovely little hometown of St. Albert tonight. Yet instead of being excitied to share the stage with one of our favourite bands (The Trews, some of the kindest and most supportive musicians we have ever encountered), I am e-mailing the wretched douchebag who sold me a _ucked up keyboard. And what was his reply? Check this out:

Hi Steve,

I am sorry to hear that. However. Before I shipped it, every key was inspected and was working. If you would like to refund the item, please ship it back to the return address. However please keep in mind that if the key is broken, I will only refund you a reasonable discount at my discretion according to amazon's return policy. This is because if the returned item is not in the same condition of when I shipped it, I am not required to provide a full refund or the shipping fee back. I urge you to try another set of batteries (remember you need 4) and redstart the keyboard and try it with another device before returning. This is because I am not obligated to provide a full refund and shipping costs if the item is not returned in the same condition i shipped it in.

I apologize for any inconvenience caused, thanks.

At this point, I am fuming. Of all the nerve! This guy is claiming that they keyboard was in perfect condition (listed as a "new" item to be accurate) yet the 'f' key doesn't work?!?!?!

"ARRRRGGGGHHHH!!!!!"

Anyways, so I send a complaint email to amazon.ca and let them know that this seller is trying to rip me off They got back to me quite quickly, yet basically said that it was the private dealer who was responisble for any recompensation, and that they were essentially correct in thinking that they were not obligated to provide a full refund.

At this point, I am enjoying some dinner before our big hometown show and try really, reeeeeallly hard not to let this guy ripping me off effect my nigh in a negative way. Unfortunately I don't do an excellent job of this, and become quite annoyed at the whole situation.

Frankly, I just do not like being cheated. Something about being deliberately ripped off by someone really make we want to forcefully remove their testicles with a dull seashell.

So I did everything I could do for the moment. I emailed the seller to complain, I emailed amazon.ca to complain, and I got very close to _uck all for help. So the best course of action was to really just enjoy the night as much as possible and deal with it all later.

The show itself was amazing. There was a lot about this show that was really enjoyable, but I haven't really taken it all in yet. I might write a full post about it in the coming days, but there are no promises. Ever. Lts just say that it brought back a lot of memories, and very good ones at that. We've had some amazing times while on tour with The Trews, and some of them were among the best times of my life. Tonight was a revisit of those times, and I'm very glad to have been able to participate. Also, the beer was flowing like a menstruating snowman that just got off a plane in Arizona. I am actually quite inebriated now, so any spelling errors that have not been corrected are to be blamed upon the liquor. Mmmm, beer is quite good. I'm fixing nothing.

Anyway, I just got home after ditching the late night McDonald's run that my trusted compatriots anticipated me joining. I'm really tired, and wanted nothing more than a good night's sleep before I visit my mother in the morning for breakfast. So jut for fun I decide to try out the keyboard again.

The bloody thing is working like a charm. Even the flipping 'f' key in all its fluorescent fibrillations. "The Foo Fighters forgot to frame Freida Fairly's favourite fingerpainting". See what I mean?!?!

Damn! I feel like such a bastard for ratting on the seller (a mister Bill W, who sold me a keyboard in good faith, yet I labeled him as a charlatan) even though the product works. I don't know why the 'f' key wasn't working before, but it is working now! Watch: Faulty fitting feature flabby funbags. That was a lot of 'f's, and all were typed on the keyboard that apparently doesn't work. Though it does work, and my brutal accusations wer directed towards someone who didn't deserve them.

This makes me feela little awful inside. I evision some kindly middle aged man trying to sell off his toys so he can afford to heat his trailer for the next winter, and I called him a charlatan.

Whoops.

I don't know if I'm really to blame. The 'f' key really wasn't working before! I did not make this up! But maybe I do owe Bill W an apology, since the unit does work now.

Then again, if I eat my words this late at night I may have trouble sleeping. My words are preety rich, and might give me nightmares if I eat them too late.

I think the only course of action is to do absolutely nothing. Bill W will think I'm mad at him, but I won't actually have to DO anything to get the keyboard that I wanted. He can continue to think that the guy in Alberta who bought his keyboard is going to ask for an official refund at any moment. Though as long as the keys work, I am sold. The thing comes with a nifty ipad stand too so I'm in nerd heaven right now.

Ok fine, I will email Bill W in the morning and let him know that the keyboard does work. As for now, I am morbidly tired and need sleep immediately. Bill W can wait, I have sheep to f.... I mean, to count.

See?! The 'f' key is essential for good comedy!

Sorry Bill W, you were the brunt of my annoyed anger today and for that I do apologize. I owe you a good muffin.

The moral of the story is that you should always, ALWAYS buy brand new products off of amazon an avoid using private sellers. Just because it happened online, doesn't make it less seedy than buying speakers out of the back of a van. Bill W may have come through, but he was ready to screw me over big time. Frankly, I don't think I can accept that from anyone who isn't a larger and more dangerous inmate than I am.

Thanks for reading this far! It was a journey for both of us, since I wrote this on my "new" "functioning" ipad keyboard from logitech.

"Logitech: Who cares about the penguins anyway?"

I'm totally passing out here. Goodnight kids. And sorry Bill.